11 signs that you are a fitness wanker

I have been on this current fitness crusade since February 2014. I have spent more time in the gym and around “fitness” people this year than at any other time in my life. I still don’t consider myself to be a true fitness wanker yet, but well on the way and I have caught myself doing more than a few of the following items on this list.

With further delay, here is my Top 11 Signs That You Are a Fitness Wanker

1. You glance at yourself in every mirror that you go past looking for signs of improvement
I used to really pity the people at the gym who I saw looking at themselves in the mirror before, during and between exercising. fast forward nearly 12 months and it is all I do! I now realise that it is not a vanity thing (well maybe a little bit) but it is just people looking for any desperate sign of improvement.

The downside is that it is really hard to see the progress in yourself when you train and go to the gym so much. I only really see the progress during my monthly review and weigh in and the big shocker was when I went to buy some new clothes. To drop from an XL to a Medium in some clothes was a real eye opener. You can’t say anything about this of course, ‘cos that looks like bragging :-)

arm wrestle
2. Everything in life, weirdly, becomes a challenge
I have always been competitive, probably too competitive at times but nothing can prepare you for how competitive you become when you get into fitness a bit more seriously. I nearly killed myself (well, got a bit fainty) through a ridiculously odd diet I was trying in order to beat a mate in a diet challenge.

If I see someone lifting something in the gym that I know I can’t, I will want to try it just to see if I can. If anyone challenges me to anything, I will do it purely because they think I can’t. Prime example, I have somehow got myself signed up to a Three Peaks challenge simply because the person who asked me asked in a way that made me feel that he thought I could not complete it.

The old me would have given up at the first sign of anything remotely physically competitive. I think I am glad that it has made me a bit more competitive, maybe… I dunno actually.

try new sports
3. You want to try new sports
Something I have become obsessed with. With the exception of ping pong, a sport for kids and paedo’s, I want to try every new sport I can. I have started boxing, revisited Basketball and Football and started swimming since this new health kick came along. Why? I don’t know.

protein shake mystery
4. Dabbling with Protein shakes but not really knowing why or how they work
Lots of people at my work go on about Protein shakes, everyone at my gym drinks Protein shakes, every sports shop i go in sells Protein shakes yet when I asked about drinking them, no one really had the answer to “when do I need to drink them” or “why would i drink them”.

So I just started drinking them ‘cos other people do. I read somewhere that they speed muscle recovery and this eventually increases muscle growth but I read that on the internet so for all I know the Protein shakes I drink could be helping me grow a vagina in my belly-button. They taste horrid, I don’t know what they do but I do know that if you want to be accepted by the fitness community, you need to drink out of a Protein shake container and persevere on.

injured from sport
5. An injury feel like the end of the world
When the old me pulled a hammy trying to reach for the remote control I would laugh it off and limp around slowly getting over it. When a fitness freak gets an injury it is all they talk about, like forever. How do I know this? When I tore a muscle in my leg I talked about myself like I was a pro-athlete out for a season.

I am not a pro-athlete, no one cares, get over it and just recover already.

Trainer advice
6. You start dishing out fitness advice
You know you are a fitness wanker when you have lost a bit of weight and this makes you feel like it is ok to give a bit of advice to newbies. To be clear, I don’t do this, yet. BUT, I am subject to it A LOT.

From randoms telling me I am lifting something wrong, to being given advice on new weight lifting exercises to try, right through to needing to go get my gait measured (what the fuck is a gait), I have been given all the advice a newbie could need. I am going to really make an effort not to do this. If someone asks for help or advice, of course I will try and pass on my wisdom (?!), but apart from that I am keeping quiet.

cat dog high 5
7. You realise that the gym is not the place to make new friends
I remember going into the gym in the early days, bright eyed, bushy tailed and thinking I am going to make some ace new muscle head friends. Fast forward nearly a year and just this week the first person ever started a conversation with me, turns out he was a newbie.

People don’t actually socialise in gyms. People who are there in pairs were friends before. People in gyms don’t talk to anyone they don’t know apart from personal trainers or to ask if a machine or set of weights is being used. Gyms are horrible places that smell weird, pump out odd sounding pop music to try and motivate you and also try and fleece you of every penny that they can. Real fitness wankers get this and power through anyway.

shabby chic
8. You want your gym kit to be shabby chic
When you first started going to the gym regularly you force yourself through the tough days by reminding yourself that you have just shelled out on new gym kit and it would be a waste of money not to go. After a few months you start noticing that the people who are already ripped wear old tatty clothes.

This is when you realise that you stand out as a newbie. The sign of a new gym joiner is the shiny new sports kit. When you become a fitness wanker you start looking for “distressed” and vintage sports clothing that looks like it has already been going to the gym with you for years. The tattier the kit the better.

big guns obsession
9. You concentrate your fitness efforts on one random body part
After a few months of getting your “core” up and running (still not really sure what this is) you will have started noticing fellow gym goers and spotting things that you want to improve about your own body. For example, many people have a good upper body but weak legs, others have big legs but smaller upper body you get the gist.

When you become a fitness wanker you will become obsessed with improving a set area of your body. In guys I have noticed that this is usually stomach/abbs or arms. Big guns are everything. Big arms are my current obsession. I am not sure why other than my subconscious clearly admires other men with big arms and this troubles me.

I am now using kettle weights to help grow parts of my arms that I did not know existed and then trying to lift weights that are clearly out of my capability. I then spend the next few days recovering, squeezing my arms to see if they feel thicker and then generally getting annoyed at them for not having magically grown over night.

calorie count
10. You start reading the calorie and fat readings on every food
I find this to be a passing trend for me personally but when I walk past fellow gym goers in the cafe section of our gym I cannot help but notice that they are examining the nutritional and calorie stats on the drinks and food that they are consuming. his happens when you notice fitness wankers out and about in restaurants and cafe’s too.

If you happen to work with a fitness nut you will also hear them obsessing about calories in their food and being referenced as the source of all calorie information when a question is asked in the office. Calories become an obsession, comparing incoming to outgoing calories consumes you.

The upside to this is that you start getting far quicker at fast maths, those calories don’t work themselves out!

gym selfie
11. Gym Selfies
OK, I am very guilty of this but I don’t share them with friends, they are just to track my progress! Hmm, maybe. Anyway, go to instagram or twitter and search for #gymself or #fitnessselfie, people are obsessed.

Take a closer look around your gym and you will see people subtly taking pictures of themselves breathing in and flexing. Experienced fitness people hate those who take gym selfies butI reckon everyone has done it at least once.

So there you have it, the 11 signs that you have become a Fitness Wanker

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